"I believe in God, only I spell it Nature." - Frank Loyd Wright.

"In the shelter of each other, we live." - One of my roommates friends words, that I have fallen in love with.

I will write more about my adventures later. I am turning 24 in 2 days... and celebrated some this weekend, with more to come. I am learning o' so much, and cannot even begin to explain it now, as my time is short at this cafe. Chai and cafe time on Sundays and really any day has become a favorite thing. Chai in general really. The whole crew, all 12 of us, packed in to 3 cars and make the trek to Missoula to watch the band Head for the Hills... awesome. Danced the night away. The next morning a few of us walked around Missoula, explored some - what a great town. The weather was warm and felt like spring is just around the corner. Back in Kalispell now, and about to head to Whitefish to do some birthday cake baking, so I will write more later - when my house actually has internet... cannot wait. I did finish the book, Eat, Pray, Love... and would recommend it. It's inspiring and hopeful, and I can only hope my life is as filled with experience, adventure and love as much as hers, the author. Anyways, all the best everybody. And Happy St. Patrick's Day early!

I am convinced that a cafe, a cup of chai, and gigantic snow flakes can bring a smile and rest my soul. I have been pretty down lately - a lot of changes happening, that either I am not ready for, didn't expect (when do you really expect negative things?) or just downright don't want to deal with. I found that one of my loves is snow shoeing... there can be three feet of snow and you can glide right across because you have these awesome things strapped to your feet! I've learned that my heart really has been out West all along. Learned that I can hack it in the academic world, and if all goes well, I'll write about it. Learned that the East coast is just not my thing. Learned that I miss my friends and family terribly, but that I absolutely HATE the phone. I find it annoying and monotonous to be on the phone. I'd rather text or email or just talk to you in person... which will be difficult for the next so many months. I learned that my body needs to get stronger - ankle is still swollen, and I am not allowed to do much on it now. I have to learn that rest + time = wellness. I don't like to be still... stagnant. That means boredom and laziness. It's snowing here now - loving it. We worked with Habitat for Humanity yesterday and one of the other crew leaders and I got to work up on a scaffolding machine - it was awwwesome! We un-drilled... if that's a word... screws holding sheet metal on a barn, because the sheet metal was being donated to Habitat from the ranch owner, someone supposedly everyone would know - famous businessman who wanted to remain anonymous. Silly if you ask me, but at least he's donating? Ah well. But that was pretty exciting - first job we have had since we started and we were all ready to go. I felt like a little dare devil stepping on the plat form and leaning over the edge to use the drill, stepping out on the roof and removing the sheet metal - all with a harness attached of course. I am so ready for this challenge. Tomorrow we work with Habitat again and have just been learning a lot of lessons - so many things. Sending love to the home front. Hope all is well. More later.

There is an incredible stillness here. I went on my very first hike a few days ago, and stopped many times - to view the incredible scenery and to breathe, because I am so out of shape. The mountains are some of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. I am in my element here, and I am so happy that I decided to make this move. The team went on a retreat, all the crew leaders who will be leading teams of their own - up to a cabin near Glacier National Park. We snow shoed around, and I had trouble because I had rolled my ankle playing a silly game - pathetic, right? It is still swollen, but I'm doing my darnest to take care of it. I did a lot of soul searching at the cabin. I learned a great deal about the other leaders, and feel fortunate to have met such an inspiring, down to earth, genuine group of people. I am ecstatic for the experiences we will share together and the ones we will share apart as well with our own teams. I am realizing a great deal about myself and what I need... about what I left behind, what will always remain in my heart, and just really what I'm feeling - it's all a process. But, I will have to cut this short for now - I do not have internet at home so have to come to a small cafe to get wireless and have a great cup of Chai, my favorite. I will write more sometime, unsure as to when. For now, wishing everyone well - all my love to the east coast - I may never come back...

The first mountains of the trip!





Tonight we ended up in Casper, Wyoming. We drove another 700 miles today, give or take a few. Today was interesting... we turned off Route 80 and then 25 to stop off at a few random towns. Chappell and Sidney, Nebraska and then Chugwater, Wyoming. Each was small, Chappell only having approximately 900 people. I love small towns, and wished Kalispell, my final destination was a small town.
We saw many more hawks today, and two bald eagles - when all seemed boring, nature decided to surprise us. In Nebraska we drove through an area that had thousands upon thousands of migrating birds. It reminded me of Edgar Allen Poe there were so many, flying in different directions, some landing on the small lakes, some continuing on to wherever their final destination was. I thought how fitting it was that I was migrating on my own path, for a short 10 months, to a different place to call home, just as the birds were. I keep reminding myself I will return, whether it is right after my service or not, just as the birds will return to their homes eventually. It was quite a sight.
When my dad drove I could not sleep at one point, because the tires were making this humming noise, and it literally sounded like a symphony under the cars. It was the craziest thing, that sounds just like that of a band could be heard from underneath the truck. I did eventually sleep, because as many know, I can fall asleep anywhere and at any time. It is a gift and curse.
Coldplay has been the CD of choice on this roadtrip. Their new CD is amazing, and their choice of Grammy attire was creative and so unique. Yes, we did stop driving to watch the Bachelor and the Grammys, I know, pathetic. I won't even go in to my thoughts about those...
But while I was driving, the lyrics, "such a perfect day" were being sung, and there couldn't have been more accurate. Open sky, open land, open road. The speed limit is 75 almost the whole route, so you're driving with only a few other random cars and some tractor trailers, going 85, and seeing some of the most beautiful scenery... what a perfect day. My mind trails off when I drive, especially during this trip, because I can't help but wonder about what this land used to look like, and wish with all my heart that I could have seen it. The land is open, yes, but at one time there were no cars, no fences, no trucks, no roads, power lines, houses... nothing, there was NOTHING - that would truly be open land. I wish I could have seen that.
We stopped at a Runza - a Czech fast food joint only existing in Nebraska. Not a bad little establishment. It was recommended to me by a good friend, so I had to stop!
My dad has randomly told me stories about his journeys out west when he was younger - like the one when he drove his Camaro across the country and a military helicopter drove beside him, like they were racing and then sped off... people have so many stories, and are so fascinating... I love that. We spoke with a woman in Chugwater, Nebraska, who sells Chugwater Chili - a mix that you add to your chili to give it some kick - and turns out, she is from Sellersville, which is a half hour from my home town in Pennsylvania... small world, eh? I did buy some Chugwater Chili by the way, because wherever I go, I have to try the places chili - so far on this trip I have had 3 different kinds. I also met a family who was moving from Tennessee to Casper, Wyoming - and I thought that was pretty random, until I was reminded by someone who always tells it like it is, just how random moving from Pennsylvania to Montana is... and, ya, guess it is... O well...

So far, My Dad and I have driven a little over 1,200 miles, through Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa and am now currently in Nebraska. There are so many things I want to write, but won't remember to - all the thing I've seen, thoughts... so I'll jot down a few for now. The picture is of the huge windmills we drove past. There were fields of windmills and as the sky turned into night, the red lights lit up the fields and the sight was quite creepy - these huge towers looming across flat land. Then we kept driving and the wind was awful, blowing so hard and making it difficult to maneuver the truck, and we passed 3 tractor trailers that had fallen on their sides and were either in the middle or on the side of the road... that was scary. One of them jack knifed and the other two I'm not sure what happened. I kept thinking about tornadoes as they are one of my two greatest fears. On a more positive note, my girlfriends from the elementary school would laugh at this, we saw probably 10-15 hawks perched on a fence on the side of the road, and only a few were flying. It was really neat to see them, and I was amazed how they all seemed to have their own territory and their own spot on the fence. I have not seen this much open, farm land since my last trip out west when I was 10. I always think, Gee, this is what the country should be like... no developments, no cities, just open land. I keep writing places down when I want to look them up, and I haven't yet, but I will. We crossed the Mississippi and didn't even know it... how pathetic is that! Well, that's all for now - nothing too exciting, but just an update.

Today has been rough. Many tears. I said my final "see you laters" to two of the closest people to me. I am physically hurting, and have been for the past week. It's the fear of the unknown that has my stomach in knots, my head constantly throbbing, and my chest loosening and tightening with mounting anxiety and stress. I guess all you can hope is that the decisions we make are the right ones, and that we find happiness. I'm a worrier so absolutely everything affects me to some degree, and letting go is really foreign concept.

The family dog, Jess, of 13 years, is showing signs that his time with us is coming to a close. This is also incredibly hard to handle. Pets become members of the family, with their own character and personality taking almost human form. I am in a place of denial and know it. I have cried so many tears that my eyes are just tired of crying, yet the tears come still, in waves. I think with any passing, we think of our own mortality, and what is next - after life.

There have been many people that I have lost. I never properly grieved, because I never really knew how. How do you say final goodbyes? How do you cope with not knowing what is next? How do you cope period? I don't have it in me to really go into everything I'm feeling, and I don't know if I will share it on here. I do know that I am struggling, hurting, and my heart is partially broken.

The other thing, is that I am awful with change, in any form. I associate change with being negative, and while that may not be the case all the time, my experiences have led me to this association. Everything is changing, and now my life is changing too, and it's all too much for my mind to handle... and so the tears keep flowing.

Friends

I have always believed that with friendships, it is not the quantity but the quality that matters. We all have acquaintances, and people we may consider friends, but to find people that will really be there for you, that don't have to be, is rare. When you find those gems, you hold on tight. We get to choose our friends - and thank goodness we do - because I know I am so lucky to have the support I have, and the truly genuine friendships I have made over the years. It makes this move harder, but no matter the distance, I know true ties will remain strong. Those people, and they know who they are, keep me strong. So, Thank you all.

While I was sitting at a stop light on my way to get my car checked over, somewhat annoyed - because some $30 was going to disappear out of my checking account - an account that has been on a constant roller-coaster of highs and lows the last few years - I found myself focusing on the cars tail lights ahead of me. Almost complete circles of red lights - yet my gaze went to the section of unlit lights, and I got to thinking.

My light went out a while ago, or started diminishing, and has gone so far, that sometimes my thoughts scare me and I instinctively start to pray - to a God I lost contact with many moons ago. I have many lights on... the one for service, many for hope, love, wishes, too many to count for caring about people - but even those flicker on and off these days. I find myself feeling numb when I hear of disasters, wars, and awful things... like, gee, one more thing that is negative, what else is new? Most times I feel helpless.

I have lost touch with me. My light is not only flickering, it's dangerously numb, and when it's on, it's dim and not all there. I probably sound like a psychologist's dream - so much to be analyzed and even so much more to let go. This is why I am moving. I am leaving behind things dearly close to me, so close that I have fallen into a pit of stressed out, anxiety stricken, sometimes what seems like an attitude of bipolar depression. (I tend to be a dramatic person) It's like that saying - you never know what you have till it's gone. Well, I did not realize all I had, till I decided to go, and even though I realize it now - I am still going. I am desperately searching for the light switch to turn my light back on. And to do that, I have to follow my heart. Period.

So while my heart is literally breaking with hurt and questions and concerns, it flutters with the possibility that these next 10 months, being in a place of beauty and being one with nature
(for me, nature has always given me a feeling of oneness, that I am connected to the earth, and it is connected to me - and thus, all of humanity is connected in one huge circle - I believe this concept of responsibility to others, and connectedness has been lost - it's not who owns what, who has what and I fell into this dark hole too) that I can get back to my roots and mend. It saddens me more that I feel the need to 'mend,' as I did not suffer what some suffer - disease, abuse, horrible suffering, trauma, wars - but I have known my own forms of loss, grief, and in Elizabeth Gilbert's words, I, "experience all the world's sadness as my own. Everything sad leaked through me and left damp traces behind." I am still, thoroughly damp -and wish it was my bonsai plant instead of me.

So, I am also following this advice from Gilbert and her book, Eat Pray Love - one of the most enlightening books I have read, and that I started reading after I decided to move... "You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight." I have always been amazed with simple things - believed simple gestures make all the difference, that a smile can truly turn someones day around, holding a door can start a pay it forward movement, and that we all must never remain stagnant... and I have become my own form of stagnant - so I must keep going... keep moving... seek adventure, and in doing so, continue to give back - because that is my calling.