So, it's late here - I had this nagging feeling tonight, more than I have since my last post, (a long time ago) to start writing on my blog again. It's been so long that I forgot how to sign in.
Things have changed, massively. I started and am almost finished graduate school. Almost finishing means that there are so many unknowns ahead of me. While I am trying to stay grounded, and positive, it is not always easy. My mind has been reeling about a number of things lately, from the state of the world (this is a big one...), stressing about finishing all of my readings (there are so many), to finding a job, figuring out where I want to be, if I can be there and find work, what I need in the working world to make me happy - some take priority over others, figuring out my last 'summer of freedom,' and letting myself feel whatever emotions I need to feel about things.
I am hurting, literally - had 2 moles cut off/out today. Stomach and as lovely as it is, under my right armpit. I know... it doesn't feel great. Yet another reason why it's past midnight and I'm up typing. That, coupled with all of my stresses just equal me being up and down, tired, cranky, and yearning for something more.
I found out today my parents will be putting the house, the house I call 'home, home,' up for sale probably by the end of August. I knew they were planning on selling it, but the fact that there is a date now just makes me feel incredibly sad. It's just a house right? I am so thankful I grew up with a creek behind my house, so many memories there. Two of our family dogs are buried in the woods behind our house. There used to be a swing set on the edge of the woods that slowly started rotting away since my sister and I are long past days when you play on swing sets. I used to play pretend games all over the yard, in the old barn that sits in front of the house, in the pool... and that yard served amazingly well for late night games of kick the can, and others I can't remember the names of. So many bonfires and s'mores and hot cider. And my grandmothers lives right next door. When I think of that, and know that her house is so old, that when she's gone it'll be torn down... just writing this brings me to tears. Something new will be built in its' place, and only the people who were around before will remember that old house. My grandfather built a lot of that house - I just learned that this past Christmas. I wish I knew more things like that about my family. Never too late I guess.
It's funny how structures and material things can mean so much to us... I wish they didn't.
I have been trying to cleanse my life, and started with small steps. Eating better, and trying to cut out meat as much as possible, and going through my closet and selling what I can, clothes and shoes I don't wear, and donating the rest. I realized my footprint was larger than I wanted it to be, so I am trying to change that. Next is taking shorter showers...
I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately, and worrying a lot. Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying myself too - from cooking and making meals at home (like tasty blueberry pancakes tonight), and making time to play with our 6 month old pup, Rio, in the park, sitting outside to read in my crazy creek chair, and doing little things to keep me smiling. But overall, this quarter at school has been rough for me. And I felt I needed to start writing again. So here I am.
Things have changed, massively. I started and am almost finished graduate school. Almost finishing means that there are so many unknowns ahead of me. While I am trying to stay grounded, and positive, it is not always easy. My mind has been reeling about a number of things lately, from the state of the world (this is a big one...), stressing about finishing all of my readings (there are so many), to finding a job, figuring out where I want to be, if I can be there and find work, what I need in the working world to make me happy - some take priority over others, figuring out my last 'summer of freedom,' and letting myself feel whatever emotions I need to feel about things.
I am hurting, literally - had 2 moles cut off/out today. Stomach and as lovely as it is, under my right armpit. I know... it doesn't feel great. Yet another reason why it's past midnight and I'm up typing. That, coupled with all of my stresses just equal me being up and down, tired, cranky, and yearning for something more.
I found out today my parents will be putting the house, the house I call 'home, home,' up for sale probably by the end of August. I knew they were planning on selling it, but the fact that there is a date now just makes me feel incredibly sad. It's just a house right? I am so thankful I grew up with a creek behind my house, so many memories there. Two of our family dogs are buried in the woods behind our house. There used to be a swing set on the edge of the woods that slowly started rotting away since my sister and I are long past days when you play on swing sets. I used to play pretend games all over the yard, in the old barn that sits in front of the house, in the pool... and that yard served amazingly well for late night games of kick the can, and others I can't remember the names of. So many bonfires and s'mores and hot cider. And my grandmothers lives right next door. When I think of that, and know that her house is so old, that when she's gone it'll be torn down... just writing this brings me to tears. Something new will be built in its' place, and only the people who were around before will remember that old house. My grandfather built a lot of that house - I just learned that this past Christmas. I wish I knew more things like that about my family. Never too late I guess.
It's funny how structures and material things can mean so much to us... I wish they didn't.
I have been trying to cleanse my life, and started with small steps. Eating better, and trying to cut out meat as much as possible, and going through my closet and selling what I can, clothes and shoes I don't wear, and donating the rest. I realized my footprint was larger than I wanted it to be, so I am trying to change that. Next is taking shorter showers...
I have been asking myself a lot of questions lately, and worrying a lot. Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying myself too - from cooking and making meals at home (like tasty blueberry pancakes tonight), and making time to play with our 6 month old pup, Rio, in the park, sitting outside to read in my crazy creek chair, and doing little things to keep me smiling. But overall, this quarter at school has been rough for me. And I felt I needed to start writing again. So here I am.
No comments:
Post a Comment