Tonight's my last night and visiting home has been a total whirlwind. Went to the shore for a week, rained a lot, but made the best of it. Helped my parents organize a garage/yard/moving sale which was a lot of work but a success. Saw my extended family a bit and that was nice.
Was really glad to see old friends. There's something beautiful about a relationship that can pick up where it left off, and two people that can make conversation no matter where you are or how much time has passed.
I thought I knew how I wanted to structure this post, but I'm going to end up rambling away...
Looking through old photos, finally throwing out cards I've had from high school, selling things I once treasured - it's been a good, but hard 2 weeks.
For all the people who ride/rode horses, they'll know what I mean - I found my leather gold plated bracelet with my favorite horses name on it, Spiffy. That pony meant the world to me and taught me more lessons than I'll ever fully realize. I've held on to those special moments for so long, and not allowed myself to really be a part of another barn atmosphere, because nothing could be as good or compare to the one I was apart of at Natalie Johnson's Stable. It's those such memories that bring water to my eyes, because they were so long ago, but never far from my mind.
I looked through old photos from freshman day, my prom, senior week, vacations, baby photos, old family photos - and I got very sad. I went through all of them multiple times, by myself, with my mom and sister, and with my best friend. And every time, there is this rush of sadness, thoughts of when things were good, and different. Realizing that things have changed is so very hard.
Change has been a common theme for me lately, because whether we like it or not, it's a part of life. Life is constant change. That's just the way it is. I've realized I don't always deal with it in the best ways, or deal with it at all. Letting go is so hard sometimes. I've lost friends for many different reasons. Family relationships have changed. People I thought I knew, either I really didn't, or they didn't know me, and we went separate ways. Things break. Things fall apart. But that doesn't mean they end, or just stop being. They change. They continue growing and forming. And sometimes, they fall together, and mend.
Things change, people change, and it's how each of us deals with that change that shapes us, makes us who we are, and gives us strength. While there are a lot of people I wish I still talked with, know I could've tried harder, and fought for, people go their separate ways and have different wants, beliefs, morals - and those things make it so that relationships end.
But the beauty in all this is the person each of us becomes when we have to deal with all of this. And that's what growing up is all about. Being constantly challenged, constantly having to learn and grow and deal with this ever changing life.
I'll never forget the incredible memories of my past... the amazing friends I was once very close to and the incredible times we shared - the dances, the days when we just hung out and spent time together, and the quirkiness of each relationship and what made it special - the tightness of my extended family and the trips we took together, the childhood moments that become blurs once you become an 'adult' - and overall, remembering people as they once were, and being present for the growth - and then accepting that you aren't part of their lives anymore, just a distant memory.
I cleaned out my room, got rid of trinkets and cards and clothes, things that meant something, but now, are in the trash or in the hands of someone else so they can make their own memories. So - the process of letting go continues, and I'll travel back to Durango tomorrow.
Grateful for all that I've been through thus far, all the relationships and all the memories - for all those reading this who I've lost touch with - I mean what I've said.
Life changes and for that, I am excited. Chapters never fully close, they just may go unnoticed for awhile, till a photo or a phone call reopens them. And we make new ones, so it's a constant cycle. That's life.
No comments:
Post a Comment