Last Night in Pennsylvania

Tonight's my last night and visiting home has been a total whirlwind. Went to the shore for a week, rained a lot, but made the best of it. Helped my parents organize a garage/yard/moving sale which was a lot of work but a success. Saw my extended family a bit and that was nice.

Was really glad to see old friends. There's something beautiful about a relationship that can pick up where it left off, and two people that can make conversation no matter where you are or how much time has passed.

I thought I knew how I wanted to structure this post, but I'm going to end up rambling away...

Looking through old photos, finally throwing out cards I've had from high school, selling things I once treasured - it's been a good, but hard 2 weeks.

For all the people who ride/rode horses, they'll know what I mean - I found my leather gold plated bracelet with my favorite horses name on it, Spiffy. That pony meant the world to me and taught me more lessons than I'll ever fully realize. I've held on to those special moments for so long, and not allowed myself to really be a part of another barn atmosphere, because nothing could be as good or compare to the one I was apart of at Natalie Johnson's Stable. It's those such memories that bring water to my eyes, because they were so long ago, but never far from my mind.

I looked through old photos from freshman day, my prom, senior week, vacations, baby photos, old family photos - and I got very sad. I went through all of them multiple times, by myself, with my mom and sister, and with my best friend. And every time, there is this rush of sadness, thoughts of when things were good, and different. Realizing that things have changed is so very hard.

Change has been a common theme for me lately, because whether we like it or not, it's a part of life. Life is constant change. That's just the way it is. I've realized I don't always deal with it in the best ways, or deal with it at all. Letting go is so hard sometimes. I've lost friends for many different reasons. Family relationships have changed. People I thought I knew, either I really didn't, or they didn't know me, and we went separate ways. Things break. Things fall apart. But that doesn't mean they end, or just stop being. They change. They continue growing and forming. And sometimes, they fall together, and mend.

Things change, people change, and it's how each of us deals with that change that shapes us, makes us who we are, and gives us strength. While there are a lot of people I wish I still talked with, know I could've tried harder, and fought for, people go their separate ways and have different wants, beliefs, morals - and those things make it so that relationships end.

But the beauty in all this is the person each of us becomes when we have to deal with all of this. And that's what growing up is all about. Being constantly challenged, constantly having to learn and grow and deal with this ever changing life.

I'll never forget the incredible memories of my past... the amazing friends I was once very close to and the incredible times we shared - the dances, the days when we just hung out and spent time together, and the quirkiness of each relationship and what made it special - the tightness of my extended family and the trips we took together, the childhood moments that become blurs once you become an 'adult' - and overall, remembering people as they once were, and being present for the growth - and then accepting that you aren't part of their lives anymore, just a distant memory.

I cleaned out my room, got rid of trinkets and cards and clothes, things that meant something, but now, are in the trash or in the hands of someone else so they can make their own memories. So - the process of letting go continues, and I'll travel back to Durango tomorrow.

Grateful for all that I've been through thus far, all the relationships and all the memories - for all those reading this who I've lost touch with - I mean what I've said.

Life changes and for that, I am excited. Chapters never fully close, they just may go unnoticed for awhile, till a photo or a phone call reopens them. And we make new ones, so it's a constant cycle. That's life.

Letting Go

Sometimes you have to let go of things you really hoped would be, could be different.
Sometimes you have to just stop. Stop trying so hard. Stop expecting so much. Stop expecting what you wish for. Stop wanting more.
Growing up seems to be littered with many opportunities to learn how to let go.
Sometimes you have to let go to be happy and surround yourself with people who want to be there for you as much as you want to be there for them.
Today has been a great day and a disappointing one as well, both for very different reasons. Some people will continuously disappoint you, drag you down, let you in, and then just as quickly shut you out. But others, the important ones, will always leave the door open, no matter the distance or time, and will always be there. Those are the people I hold on to. I must let the others go. This is a process.
It's not letting go of hope, it's letting go of the dream you imagined and can continue to hope that things work out somehow, and life has something else in store.

On that note - the perfect place to relax and unwind is where I am headed tomorrow. Long Beach Island. So very excited. Going with my best girl friend and family.
Beach, Fishing, good food, Sun, Sand, Ocean, lots of free reading and relaxing, some shopping - and enjoying the last few weeks of summer and being home before grad school begins again.

Thankful today for good friends that I consider family, and ties that go deeper than blood.

Ya Gotta Just Believe

I went to the dentist and after to visit my uncle today, one of two uncles who are in nursing homes, too young - and struggled to get through the day after my Dad and I saw him.

I dread going to the dentist and being told I need to floss more... which is so true... and that I grind my teeth and need a bite plate... also so true... but what I dread more is feeling helpless. That's exactly how I felt while visiting my uncle. I often feel this in life for so many reasons, because there are so many circumstances and situations where I don't have control or can't help or fix whatever it is that needs mending. It's in these moments that I break down and try to grasp for hope wherever I can find it.

Today it came from my Mom. It's been really nice to be home and be able to talk about how things have changed, and hash out feelings.

Things have changed. Life was very, very different back in middle school and high school. I don't know if I'd go back necessarily, but looking through old photo albums of past friends, and family gatherings, it sure is bittersweet. Life throws people so many curve balls, so many obstacles, so many challenges, but somehow, every time, I've made it through. Not always gracefully and without huge bouts of sadness, but I've made it to where I am now. And dammit, I am proud.

Growing up you learn who is there for you, who would run to the airport in a heartbeat if you needed them - you learn to appreciate the good times, hold on to the memories - you learn forgiveness and how to let go - and by no means have I mastered any lesson well. I am still learning, grappling, and hope that I am getting better day by day.

This trip home has allowed me to let go of things, move on, remember, appreciate, be grateful for, reminisce, take time and given me the chance to be a part of this place again. Looking forward to more time here and next week on LBI where I spent many summers - I can't wait.

So, here's to life, with all its' twists and turns, challenges and heartbreaks, lessons and growth - wouldn't have it any other way.

Home, Day 2

I came home to possibly say goodbye to the place where I grew up, the house my family and I made memories in, with land to roam and a creek right behind my house where I fished, explored, and started to learn what I believe and am passionate about. My best friend lived right across a wooded area with a path cutting through the forest so we could walk to each others houses, and my neighbors played house with my sister and I. We made fairy houses, had hand stand competitions in the pool, played neighborhood kick the can, raised 3 dogs, went sledding down the huge hill in between our house and my grandmother's house, had our hearts broken, mended, and grew up.

It's bittersweet. I love it out West, but I grew up here, and while I like to pretend I belong out west, part of my heart will always be here.

I got to sit down with my grandmother tonight and found out my grandfather worked for the CCC when he was younger - this fact made my day. The Civilian Conservation Corps was the founding program that eventually lead to the MCC, Montana Conservation Corps, where I worked for 9 months and literally changed my life - lead to the SCC, Southwest Conservation Corps where Devin currently works, and other conservation corps'. It just makes sense to me, and while I never got a chance to really know him, how I like to believe that part of him lives on in me. Cheesy, maybe. Or maybe just hopeful. I was so young when he passed, and these stories and memories are all we have sometimes to keep people's lives alive, to remember them, celebrate them.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Civilian_Conservation_Corps

I'm holding back tears while writing this because I didn't think it would be this hard to be home and let go of this place... but it is.

I am trying to make my posts more concise and on point - not rattling away like I normally do. So that's all for now - Congrats to my sister who is celebrating her graduation from college tomorrow. Proud of her.

Hope you all have lots to celebrate these days and if not, please find something to celebrate - so cliche, but life's too short, go have fun, find your happy, even if you have to do it alone - you're never really alone, ever - that's something else I've learned this summer. That's what life is about, growing, learning, communicating, relationships - so go off into that great blue yonder and 'do', 'be', and 'live.'

Random Thoughts

1) I'd like to get another tattoo... not sure where... or what... or if I will... but want one.

  

2) Miss trail work - the creativity and technical aspects that go into it, the labor intensity of it, the pride you feel when you've transformed the land into something people will use for years and years, hopefully appreciate even though they may never understand how much work it took or all the sweat poured into it, but something made with your hands that will allow people to get out and enjoy nature and the environment - and I can hope that they will then care more and be concerned with keeping places wild, open and free. 

3) LOVE vintage clothing shopping and consignment shops - if I could live a different life, or maybe when I am older and want to retire, I'd start my own little vintage shop and buy and sell locally - would LOVE to travel west and buy Native American jewelry pieces and artwork directly from the artists and sell that as well. Fair trade style. I think it's important to recycle things - even though that does mean that someone had to have bought it new, right?

 

4) Looking forward to heading home Friday morning - had a huge bomb drop this past week, didn't turn out the way I'd imagined and hoped in my head, as I had hoped things would be different and change for the better - but who am I to say what is 'better?' - Anyways, expecting something isn't always good, and I hoped too much... but that's who I am. The point is, what I realized is that my thoughts on family have shifted. Blood ties only mean that someone is related to you biologically, which still mean something to me, but what means a great deal more is when someone wants to be there for you, and you want to be there for them - that's family. Who wants to be there. When it matters, and when it doesn't, in happy and bad times. Blood only goes so far, actions and words count a whole lot more - which is probably why I am so darn picky with who I let close to me, because I am so afraid of getting burned. Maybe not even afraid, just tired. 

5) I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want after I graduate and really, what I want period. I'm 26 - a lot of people are settling down, getting married, having children, buying houses. I feel a pull in many different directions. Part of me watches others getting married, reads magazines and sees all these beautiful symbols and trinkets for weddings, dresses, shoes - and wants those things. If I ever got married, I know what I'd want. But I'd be just as happy going to a court house than having some huge to do. One part of me wants that life. But the other so doesn't, and that's the part that's winning. The other part wants adventure, wants travel, and wants to keep exploring the world, and me. Call it selfish, but I feel like I have a calling to give back more - and then there comes the separate wants again. I've been applying for fundraising and development positions and enjoy that work, especially when the cause is something I believe in and am passionate about, but is that really what I want? I am going to school for International Human Rights and Humanitarian Assistance, and the other part of me wants to give 2 years, be a Peace Corps volunteer, and work abroad. I want to work on the ground, with people, helping them make the best decisions for their lives. I want to learn more about agriculture, food systems, humanitarian aid, water conservation, sustainable practices, fish farming, and visit Africa again - so many different things. I feel as though I do not fit the mold that society has set out for people my age, and maybe this is the new mold - not fitting into the old one. How do I compromise all this? I don't have an answer yet. Still trying to figure it all out. Trying to see what I really want, what would make me happy, and still allow me to serve... 

6) Just watched a movie with Bryce Dallas Howard, the actress from Lady in the Water - I think she's fantastic, and underrated, but the movie, The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond, was all right... eh. I also have a new crush on Emma Stone - I just think she seems genuine and down to earth, just like my all time favorite, Julia Roberts. Hopefully, when my sister gets famous I can meet them all. Haha. This makes me think of the documentary, I Am - everyone should see it. Famous people shouldn't be looked at as any different, and we put them on such a pedestal, when we shouldn't. They're just people, like us, human. We can all do just as much good as they can, and stand for the same things. Maybe not get as much attention, but O well. It's one of the best films I've ever seen. So is 180 South - a must see. One of my other bucket list items: to visit Patagonia. I think that's something I am going to work on, creating a comprehensive bucket list. I have so much to do, I feel, and not enough resources to do it all. I look at the great adventurers, and they found ways - so I believe I will too. Somehow. 

7) I decided I am going to blog more - think it's important to share feelings, ideas, beliefs, emotions... think it brings people together, starts conversations, sometimes with people you haven't heard from in a long time, or that you haven't ever talked to. I think that's important. Communication is key in this rapidly changing world. One of my biggest beliefs. 

Anyways - those are my thoughts for the day - a lot, I know. My brain's constantly reeling and working. Rented Soul Surfer too - excited to watch it. On my own for the night, Devin's off on an overnight visiting crews. Very proud of him - he's enjoying this job and doing so well. I think it's awesome when someone can be happy and like the work they perform, even love it. It was so nice during our hike the other day when he showed me all the trail structures - pretty much what I talked about in number 2. Made me miss MCC and the crew him and I lead - O' and if any of my former MCC'ers read this - I have listened to Preacher Man and our Wild Bill Jams multiple times recently. LOVE it, so upbeat, and you all know that I belt out to Preacher Man - woot woot!

Have a Good Night All 

Simple & Sweet Gestures

Just wanted to share a quick thought:

Sometimes the most simple things can be the kindest and sweetest things. Gestures that may seem totally unimportant and actions that don't take a lot of effort - may be the greatest thing in a person's day, and may literally make their whole day.

Yesterday, my boyfriend, Devin, brought me a card after he got home from work... it was the sweetest thing. A really cute card, with a lovely, heartfelt note - just because. He let me know how important and appreciated I am. That meant the world.

 Yesterday, also, my friend back in Denver, Em, posted one of my favorite cards on my FB profile... was so nice. Miss that girl.

Today, the guy at the Grease Monkey was talking to me about all the things that my car needs now that it's surpassed 60,000 miles... awesome. Love spending money - well, on other things - but it's pretty important for my car, since this one needs to last me till I can land a real, money-making job and get a less gas guzzling monster. Anyways, he was super nice and when I went to get into my car, there was a bright pink carnation on the dash board. Now, I don't know if all ladies are treated so well, but I love flowers, and the gesture, was sweet and thoughtful.



I find that when someone doesn't smile back when I smile at them, I get irked. But dammit, I'll keep smiling - cause one smile can brighten someones day. So can conversations - you learn so much by just chatting with people and sometimes, it turns into so much more. Friendships, networking, or just a good memory.

It's the little things that give me hope. Fingers crossed for allll the jobs I've applied for. Am going to try to blog more... been feeling inspired to do so lately. And have been inspired to continue delving into 'who I am and what I want.' It's a process... and hopefully it takes a lifetime :)

Sending love all over ---

Ooo and lastly, I stole 2 dog treats from Grease Monkey, and Rio and Maggie were quite happy I did - see, even pups appreciate things!

My Dad

 

 

 
Just wanted to share a story, because my blog is titled 'With Hope' - life should be about inspiring others by actions, living and sharing hope that things will change and be better, and that there is always hope.

My Dad just called and told me about how there were 2 men fishing behind our house at the creek, but on the other side. Neither of the men had fishing poles and were using fishing line like lassos to toss the bobber out and fish that way. Their technique he said was impressive and genius. My parents are in the process of getting our house ready to move soon, which is bittersweet. I won't go into all the emotions, or why the move is happening - but it's a fact now, and one that I will have to somehow get a grip on before I go home for 2 weeks in August. I say this because like many houses and homes, people start getting clutter, and acquire a lot of 'stuff' they don't use and don't need. (I never want this to happen to me... my goal as of right now is to only own and have what can fit in my car... minus a few pieces of furniture that mean a lot to me) Anyways, back to the story, my Dad went in the garage and found an old, but good spinning reel and rod and when my parents went out to do errands they walked down the other side of the creek, which is a park, and the men were gone. My Dad then realized they must have parked down by the old iron gate bridge at the other end of the creek and further down, and not where my parents parked off of the main road - details - so he figured if they kept going maybe the men just moved a little further downstream towards 'Snake Island,' where him and his brothers used to catch snakes when they were growing up. Sure enough, the men were fishing further down and the one had a big sun fish on his line. My Dad said Hey, this is for you, and the man with the fish said I don't need it and they both laughed because my Dad said, I can see that, you catch more fish than me! But then the other man came and took the pole and thanked my Dad for the gift.

It's these simple, small gestures that I hear about and inspire me. It's not the first time my Dad has done such things. He'll sometimes pay for someone else's meal and let it be anonymous, give money to people on the street - I get this mentality from him. One day, I'd like to be able to help people by giving them money, every one of them. While I know people don't always agree with this - I look at it like this... I think it takes an incredible amount of bravery to hold a sign and ask for help, and I think it is a huge shot to a person's pride when they feel the need to do that. I think any way that I can let people know I do care is an important action.

Those men back the creek had a system, and they were fine - but my Dad gave them a fishing pole because we don't use all the poles we have, and he wanted to share. Sharing and giving is something I think needs to happen more these days, and realizing we are all human. We all make mistakes. But we can help one another and bring one another up. By giving the men a fishing pole, he just allows them a different way to do what they were already doing, and giving them a gift they may not have wanted to give themselves. Those are the best kinds of gifts.

I think the line between helping and hurting can be a fine one, and I haven't yet determined what 'good helping' really means. I do know that letting someone help themselves, and helping them to do that is extremely important. Listening to what people need and maybe helping in the way that allows those people to make their own decisions and help themselves - that's what I mean.

Who knows what 1 fishing pole will do to those men's lives, but I can hope that it made their day and that, my Dad's action let them know that someone cares, even if they didn't need it, but just the action of giving. If we all started doing that, in those small ways - holding doors, letting someone pull out in front of us when we're driving, putting a quarter in an almost expired parking meter - the world would be a better place.